The Bachelor Recap: Women Tell All, Trash Rozlyn

The traditional pre-season finale "Women Tell All" reunion special of The Bachelor is always mostly filler - and a total misnomer, as they really tell surprisingly little.

Still, there were fireworks as Rozlyn Papa returned to confront Chris Harrison and the stage was set for next week's epic Tenley Molzahn-Vienna Girardi showdown.

As always, THG endured two freaking hours of the colon-tastic The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love: The Women Tell All to recap all the action in our +/- system:

Jake said self-defecating when he meant self-deprecating. Plus 3.

Wes Hayden of last season's Bachelorette is back for some reason. He says he's getting "a thousand more nibbles" on his dating pole these days. Gross. Minus 4.

Crazy ass Michelle tried to explain her crazy ass behavior, but just came across as even more unstable. Her best defense: "Ask my friends. I have a job!" Plus 9.

Chris Harrison didn't let up on Rozlyn Papa, but she held her own.

Rozlyn Papa was confronted by fellow Bachelor hopefuls about her relationship with producer Ryan Callahan, which got them both fired from the show. According to Ella, Rozlyn got on all fours, in wearing booty shorts and said to the women, "If you see [Ryan], send him in ... I need to be put to bed!" Plus 40.

The venerable host and pimp of The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, then took his turn with Rozlyn, accusing her of making stories up like his young son does. Minus 16.

She wouldn't back down though. When he said he was saddened by having to let "his friend" go, Rozlyn countered that Chris is no friend, having hit on Ryan's wife in New Zealand. Chris refused to "dignity that with a response." Awkward! Plus 25.

Shirtless Jake Pavelka has a tough decision to make next week.

The girls all praise Ms. Perfect, Tenley Molzahn. Jessie: "She almost fell out of a Disney movie." Gia: "She sh*ts rainbows." Minus 34 for them feeding us this crap just so we're devastated when Tenley loses next week. Brace for the pain.

Despite hating on her all season, the girls go easy on Vienna. Even Ali Fedotowsky apologized. Weak. Minus 46. We want catty comments and chairs thrown.

The next Bachelorette is going to be Ali Fedotowsky. In her interview, she said: "I believe life is measured by the risks we take ... If I could go back and do it differently, I probably would. I'm an advocate of women having careers, but I don't want to look back and say I didn't love enough." Excellent writing, story editors!Plus 30.

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Gia Allemand: Single, Heartbroken Over The Bachelor

Despite rumors that she was dating someone else while competing for Jake Pavelka's heart, The Bachelor reject Gia Allemand says she was (and is) a single gal.

Appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres Show Thursday, the model subtly shot down a New York Post report that she has a boyfriend and pretended to be single.

When Ellen DeGeneres asked Gia Allemand if she's dating, the reality star says, "I'm actually going to have my first date next week. My first date in a while."

That conflicts with claims of alleged lover Dominick Pierno, a Long Island restauranteur who told the Post, "She was on the show and said she broke up with me."

"Meanwhile, we had dinner at Philippe the other night."

Gia Allemand finished third on this season of The Bachelor.

The 26-year-old stunner said she was fully invested in The Bachelor, and "it took me a while" to get over Jake Pavelka, "with my heart broken and everything."

Throwing salt on the wound? Seeing this week's episode.

"I finally got over it but then I was watching the show Monday night," she says, "I was, like, hysterical in my hotel room. I was like oh my, that really hurt."

Gia also has some interesting comments about public enemy #1 Vienna Girardi, who she describes as a "really good person." Umm, what? That's a new one!

Is Vienna just being railroaded by exes and ABC editors? Or was Gia just not as riled up by her as Ali Fedotowsky and Tenley Molzahn? Interesting debate.

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The Bachelor Recap: Tenley and Vienna Survive

Jake Pavelka traveled to St. Lucia with his three remaining women on The Bachelor last night. Despite the best efforts of Gia Allemand and a last-ditch do-over request by Ali Fedotowsky, he narrowed the field to just two lucky ladies:

Tenley Molzahn and Vienna Girardi.

How did he arrive at this painstaking decision? As always, THG endured Jake's trials and tribulations on The Bachelor to recap the action in our point system:

The "shocking return" of Ali Fedotowsky was the hyped event this week. She lies in bed with promotional pics of Jake that Mike Fleiss gave her when he wrote this. Or she printed online because she's a stalker. Either way, Plus 30.

Back in San Francisco, Ali pretends to lament her decision.

Jake often calls Gia "deep." What does that even mean? Minus 6.

Jake says he'd return to St. Lucia on a honeymoon as it has "a lot of meaning." Hard to top the place where you slept with three girls in one week, it's true. Plus 5.

Gia: "When I look into Jake's eyes, I get lost." Jealous. Minus 3.

A Fantasy Suite card is delivered, they hop in the tub in the suite and Jake says "Gia has grabbed on to my heart so hard." He could not be more awkward. Plus 4.

Minus 8 because we really should have added "take a sip every time Tenley says 'my ex'" to our Bachelor drinking game. We could've been so trashed last night!

Jake says he can't wait to watch his first sunrise with Tenley Molzahn. Plus 6 because with these two, that probably actually is what they were thinking about.

In the span of about like minutes Jake refers to Vienna Girardi as light, fun, immature, and "nurturing." LOL wut. This is your future wife, Jake?! Minus 17.

Vienna Girardi mauls Jake Pavelka. No wonder she's in the finale.

After inhaling Jake's face aboard a pirate ship, Vienna busts out her finest Wal-Mart lingerie and closes the suite door. Plus 3, because at least she goes for broke.

Re: the fantasy suite concept: Do girls put out when he's "dating" two others? We're guessing definitely Vienna and maybe Gia. No bone zone for Tenley. Even.

Twist alert! Ali calls Jake (cameras just happened to be rolling) and says she'll "forever" regret her decision. Until she stars on The Bachelorette, that is. Plus 7.

Jake's absurd reasoning for not taking her back: he's so much closer to the other three girls since Ali left. Dude, this happened like yesterday afternoon. Minus 14.

A half hour of filler ended the episode, but Plus 4 for the over-dramatic, music-free cut to commercial while Ali cried. That's when you know it's emotional!

TOTAL: +11. SEASON: +12. Roses: Tenley, Vienna. Gone: Gia, Ali (again).

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The Bachelor Recap: Ali Fedotowsky Drops a Bomb

Jake Pavelka toured the hometowns and met the families of his remaining four women on The Bachelor last night. From New York to Oregon, everything went well.

Until Ali Fedotowsky dropped the biggest bombshell in Bachelor history, that is. Well, except for last summer on The Bachelorette when the same thing happened.

The story editors really need to step it up. As always, THG endured Jake's trials and tribulations on The Bachelor to recap the action in our exclusive point system:

Gia Allemand says Jake's unlike anyone she's dated. Yup, he's that dull. Minus 3.

Erick, Gia's brother, is like a poor man's Pauly D from Jersey Shore. Plus 4.

Gia confesses was with a "bad guy" who cheated on her with all her friends. Wow, so Carl Pavano is not only wildly overpaid, he's a complete jackass. Minus 7.

Jake pretends to deliberate while looking at pictures from ABC.com.

Visiting New England in the late fall, Jake tells Ali that it comes to cold, "I'm a big baby." Replace "cold" with just about anything and that would be true. Plus 5.

Ali drags poor Jake to ... her deceased grandmother's empty house. To borrow one of the simplest, but most profound Liz Lemon quotes: "Dealbreaker!" Minus 3.

Ali's mom says she Googled Jake. THG ranks #1 when one does this. Plus 30.

Jake to Tenley: "I run everything I do by my parents." Groan. Minus 8.

Jake to Tenley: "You have to be a we." Swoon. Plus 9.

Tenley choreographs a ballet dance for Jake set to a traditional wedding march. We can't decide if genuine cuteness trumps extreme awkwardness, so ... Even.

Jake asks Tenley's dad for his blessing - while dating three other girls - and gets it! Why? Because he's "a man of integrity." On The Bachelor. LOL. Minus 48.

Farewell, Ali Fedotowsky ... or will you return?

For once, Vienna Girardi was not the focal point of the entire episode. Plus 12 for that, but an obligatory Minus 7 because her dad has some major screws loose.

The "bombshell" is Ali Fedotowsky going all Ed Swiderski on Jake Pavelka's Jillian Harris. She's gotta go back to work! Minus 100 for the absurd hype this got.

But Plus 86 for Ali crying in the hallway; Jake leaning over the banister. Ali pulling out of the rose ceremony, and Jake's remark: "All I have right now is hope."

While it's rather lame of Ali to up and leave, she probably made the right choice. Jake is pretty lame, and it's hard to get a new job in this economy. Plus 24.

In the promo for next week, the phone rings and it's ... Ali! Who would have guessed? Oh wait, us. Since this already happened on The Bachelorette. Minus 8.

TOTAL: -12. SEASON: +1. Roses: Tenley, Gia, Vienna. Gone: Ali ... or is she?!

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Gia Allemand: The Bachelor Hopeful, Maxim Model

Gia Allemand is vying for Jake Pavelka's heart on The Bachelor, but she vied for men's attention in a different way when she posed for these racy Maxim pics!

It turns out Gia, one of Jake's final four remaining women this season on the reality show, wasn't kidding when she lists her profession as "swimsuit model."

Apparently, Gia Allemand stripped down for Maxim a few years ago after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, injury-proned MLB pitcher Carl Pavano.

Here's Pavano's previous "catcher" as you've never seen her ...

Gia Allemand: Bachelor hopeful and major heart-stopper.

It's hard to say if Jake Pavelka is a lateral, downward or upward move from Carl Pavano, who probably went on the disabled list after seeing these photos.

Three things are beyond dispute here, however:

1. This needs to come up during Gia's hometown date ... or else.
2. Carl Pavano is a freaking idiot for (supposedly) cheating on Gia.
3. Jake is a freaking idiot for (supposedly) choosing Vienna Girardi.

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