Jersey Shore Recap: "Just Another Day at the Shore"

MTV's Jersey Shore returned with an all-new, festive, New Year's Eve episode last night, and lucky for you, The Hollywood Gossip has its weekly rundown.

Below, we break down the drama in Seaside Heights, N.J., on last night's episode five, "Just Another Day at the Shore," awarding and deducting points.

Leave a comment with your own pluses, minuses, and feedback ...

Ronnie cannot believe that while the rest of the gang tends to Snooki, who got knocked out in the previous episode, Mike is still trolling for chicks out on the boardwalk. Or, as Ronnie put it, "The Situation's creepin'." Plus 8.

One last note on the fight. Brad Ferro is a moron who should never have hit Snooki. But when you scream explatives at someone and flick drinks in his face, well, you can't say it was totally unprovoked. We're just saying, Snook. Minus 4.

These guys swear. A lot. Even in situations that don't really require profane language. There was a 20-second stretch of basically one long bleep. Plus 3.

Nice pit stains, JWOWW. Minus 2.

Ronnie, the biggest, most juiced up guido of them all, is a softie at heart and a total mama's boy who just wants his family to like Sam. Who knew?! Plus 4.

THE AFTERMATH: The gang tends to Schnookems.

Snooki doesn't eat lobster because "they're alive when you kill it." Plus 3.

The girls go tanning. At a salon. In the summer. At the beach. Minus 3.

On a warm day, the gang goes on a boat. Plus 2 for conjuring up images of Andy Samberg and T-Pain. Plus 4 more because the boat is named "Forgetaboutit."

Pauly D boasts that his hair is waterproof and windproof. Impressive, but we're calling it Even because no one, not even the great DJ Pauly D, needs that much gel.

JWOWW does not come across well in this episode. A territorial animal who goes out looking to start fights, she belongs on the National Geographic Channel. Minus 7.

Mike, Vinny and Pauly D put the moves on a group of three girls, who Pauly D notes (with a certain element of surprise, but also with respect) are nice girls who actually want to be treated like human beings and not whores. Plus 8.

Really, JWOWW's boyfriend? Flowers? You can do better man. Minus 4.

Plus 5 for Vinny hooking up with his boss' girlfriend. Vinny had done very little this season so far, and this all-out d!ck move should lead to some quality drama. Plus 1 more for Vinny christening Pauly D "the ultimate guido."

TOTAL: +18! SEASON: +37! This was probably our favorite episode so far, because it didn't stick to one overdramatic story. We got to see the guidos and guidettes do their thing and amuse us in many different scenarios. Until next week ...

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Vanessa Lopez Alleges Harassment By Shaq

Gloria Allred is a busy lady these days.

Not only is she repping Rachel Uchitel and possibly other Tiger Woods mistresses, she's being retained by a woman linked to another sports legend.

Allred was recently hired by Vanessa Lopez, a model who claims NBA great Shaquille O’Neal is harassing her, according to a Radar Online report.

“I can confirm I’m representing Vanessa Lopez,” Allred said, declining to elaborate.

Shaq’s wife Shaunie recently filed for legal separation with intent to divorce, after a rocky marriage beset by numerous reports of Shaq cheating.

Will Gloria Allred attempt a hack-a-Shaq legal strategy?

Shaq’s estranged wife is executive producer of the VH-1 show Basketball Wives, which will show the ups and downs of being married to an NBA star.

One of the downsides? Their rampant cheating.

O'Neal, who plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers, was recently rumored to have become romantically involved with the fiancé of another NBA player.

In 2008, Atlanta hip hop artist Alexis Miller got a restraining order against O’Neal, claiming he threatened her after their relationship dissolved.

She said Shaq would call and breathe heavily into the phone, and at one point threatened that he would ruin her career. Standard harassment.

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Adam Lambert Rings, Rocks in the New Year

He was one of the most successful, memorable celebrities of 2009.

Therefore, it was only appropriate that Adam Lambert put on a show to close out his first year in the spotlight.

The American Idol runner-up did just that in Hollywood last night, rocking out at Paramount Studios and ringing in 2010 with fans (and Pamela Anderson, apparently).

Don't worry: no crotches were grabbed, oral sex simulated or animals harmed during the performance. Check out pictures from it below:

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Rush Limbaugh: Heart, Health Care System are OK!

Despite his hospitalization a few days ago, Rush Limbaugh says there's nothing wrong with his heart. Or the nation's health care system, for that matter.

The conservative talk show host just couldn't resist turning his own health problems into a political dig at a New Year's Day news conference in Honolulu.

Rush, who suffered chest pains that landed him in a Hawaii hospital Wednesday, said Friday that tests revealed nothing medically wrong with his heart.

"The pain was real, and they don't know what caused it," Limbaugh said.

Rush Limbaugh: I'm fine - and so's the system!

Doctors said he did not have a heart attack and he doesn't suffer from heart disease, however, and he says he is remaining cautious after the scare.

Turning from himself to politics, Limbaugh declared yesterday that he got the best health care in the world "right here in the United States of America."

Politicizing one's own heart problem? Well, would you expect less?

"I don't think there's one thing wrong with the United States health system," Limbaugh said, referring to Congress' massive overhaul of the system.

Here's wishing Rush a speedy recovery.

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Report: Gilbert Arenas Pulls Gun on Teammate

In 1995, Abe Pollin changed the name of his NBA franchise from the Washington Bullets to the Wizards because the "violent overtones" of bullets were upsetting.

One can only imagine how Pollin, who passed away a little over a month ago, would have reacted to this story about the Wizards' all-star player, Gilbert Arenas.

Arenas and a teammate, Javaris Crittenton, drew guns on each other during a Christmas Eve locker room argument over a gambling debt, according to reports.

Last week, the Wizards and Arenas acknowledged he stored unloaded firearms in a container in his locker, and the NBA said it was looking into the situation.

Arenas admitted he stores guns at the Verizon Center because he didn't want them in his house after his child's birth. But did he pull one on a teammate?

During that investigation, a dispute between Arenas and Crittenton - allegedly over the former not making good on a gambling debt - was revealed.

Confronted over money he allegedly owed, Gibert Arenas pulled a gun on Javaris Crittenton (0 and 8), who then also grabbed for a gun, the New York Post says.

Asked by the newspaper about the confrontation, Arenas denied pulling a gun on Crittenton. Arenas responded with a flurry of messages on Twitter, such as:

"I understand this is serious stuff ... but if u ever met me you know i dont do serious things im a goof ball this story today dont sound goofy to me."

That sounds like a denial ... sort of?

At practice Friday, Arenas declined to answer questions about the incident, but he did tell local TV station WJLA: "I like the story, it's intriguing."

Then, in response to questions whether anything had taken place between him and Crittenton, Arenas said: "I don't know." Well, that settles that.

"This is unprecedented," Billy Hunter of the NBA players' association said. "I've never heard of players pulling guns on each other in a locker room."

The Wizards "take this situation and the ongoing investigation very seriously," the team said. Washington, D.C., has some of the strictest gun laws in the U.S. The NBA allows players to legally possess firearms, but not at league facilities.

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Police Wrap Up Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller Investigation, Kids Doing Well

The children of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are just like Rush Limbaugh.

No, they aren't overweight, over-exposed, racist and full of crap. Instead, they are doing okay.

The Pitkin County Department of Social Services interviewed Mueller, the kids, many nannies and others and determined that the offspring of this troubled couple has not been negatively affected by their dangerous antics. Thank goodness.

As for the cops: Aspen police completed their investigation into the happenings early Christmas morning and have officially passed the case on to the Pitkin County District Attorney's Office.

"There is no new information to release at this time," said Aspen Police Department spokeswoman Stephanie Dasaro. "The case is in judicial proceeding, so any new information will either come from the district attorney's office or the Pitkin County courts."

Sheen is scheduled to be in court on February 8 to face charges.

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Tiger Woods Checked For Injuries By Police

Florida State police officers examined the upper body of Tiger Woods for injuries during a meeting with them last month, according to TV station WESH in Florida.

Tiger lifted up his shirt, says the station, during the December 1 meeting so that the troopers could discern if he had any additional injuries after his SUV crash.

The meeting took place four days after the post-Thanksgiving car wreck that blew the lid off Tiger's cheating, one of the biggest sex scandals in sports history.

Despite rumors that she roughed him up, Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, was not charged with domestic abuse, as police determined Tiger suffered only a fat lip.

This report casts further doubt on the rumors going around that a scorned Elin messed up Tiger so bad with a 9-iron that he needed plastic surgery on his face.

Elin Woods may have been on the warpath after learning of Tiger's cheating, but it doesn't look like she assaulted him with a golf club ... at least not too severely.

It is widely believed that an enranged Elin Woods chased Tiger out of his house with a golf club and smashed the windows of his car in the minutes before he crashed.

She was never charged in the incident, however. Tiger was issued a traffic ticket and that was that. He has not been seen by anyone (that we know of) since Dec. 1.

The plastic surgery rumor was likely fueled in part by Tiger Woods' total disappearance - and announcement of an indefinite break from golf - over the past month.

Elin is skiing in Europe this weekend, with Tiger nowhere in sight. Despite his cheating with at least a dozen mistresses, she is considering reconciliation with him.

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Stars Come Out for New Year's Eve

Adam Lambert rocked out on stage.

Jennifer Lopez let it all hang out in an embarrassing skintight bodysuit.

How did other celebrities ring in the new year? Lindsay Lohan headed to St. Bart's, Fergie made out with Josh Duhamel and everyone seemed to be in the holiday spirit.

See what we mean below. Click on the following photos to see how various stars celebrated the start of 2010...

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Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko: Dating?

As random celebrity couples go, Hayden Panettiere being spotted poolside in Miami with Ukrainian boxing champ Wladimir Klitschko would be pretty high up there.

Okay, it would be on top of the list.

Klitschko is 33, so he's Hayden's type. The 20-year-old previously dated her Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia and British TV presenter Steve Jones, both 30-plus.

He holds the IBF, WBO, and IBO world heavyweight titles, but if Wladimir is holding Hayden Panettiere the way we think, that would be even more impressive...

Wladimir Klitschko admires the poolside scenery: Hayden Panettiere.

He's 6'6" and she's 5'1", and they might seem to have little in common, but sometimes opposites attract. That's pretty much all we've got at the moment.

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The Hollywood Gossip Week in Review: December 26, 2009 - January 1, 2010

Welcome, celebrity fans everywhere, to The Hollywood Gossip on this second day of the New Year. Below, we take a look back at the past week in gossip.

Some highlights from the last seven days in celebrity news:

• In the week's top scandal, Charlie Sheen made death threats and assaulted Brooke Mueller ... at least that's the word on the street. It's hard to say where this leaves the couple, although both apparently want to reconcile.
• Tiger Woods' whereabouts are still unknown. He was said to have partied with Rachel Uchitel (which she denied). Another rumor has Tiger holed up and recovering from plastic surgery after having his face broken by Elin.
• Jon Gosselin's turbulent life took a new, unexpected twist when his apartment was allegedly trashed by a knife-wielding maniac. Hailey Glassman, the prime suspect, denies any vandalism. Her lawyer says she was framed.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller had a violent holiday altercation.

• Sorry, 'tweens ... the Jonas Brothers may be breaking up soon.
• Best tabloid tale of the week: Angelina Jolie's cheating on Brad!
• PETA honored Ellen DeGeneres. She rules! Them? Not so much.
• Legal long shot: David Letterman extortionist's Tiger defense.
• John Edwards' wife wants to call a truce with Rielle Hunter.
• Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized after an apparent heart attack.

Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift seemed like the perfect couple ... for about a week. Fortunately for Lautner, he and his co-stars won our Celebrity of the Year honors!

• In baby news, Chris Robinson had a little girl; Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart will have one; Kendra and Kourtney showcased photos of their sons.
• In couple news, Taylor squared is history; Johnathon Schaech and Jana Kramer are engaged; Russell Brand and Katy Perry might be tying the knot.
• The New Moon cast, collectively, won THG's third annual Celebrity of the Year honor. We also took a look back at some of the decade's top scandals.
• R.I.P.: Mythbusters' Erik Gates and Avenged Sevenfold rocker Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan died too soon. Here's a little tribute to the celebrities who passed away in 2009. They are gone, but will never be forgotten!

Don't forget to follow THG on Twitter for all the latest Hollywood news, celebrity gossip, rumors, commentary and humor as it happens, 24/7/365.

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