December 17, 2009

Over Four Million People Kare About the Kardashians

America has many problems: double-digit unemployment; a bickering Congress that can't get anything done; professionals athletes that tag anything with breasts.

But this may be the most glaring issue facing our great country: a fascination with people that have accomplished absolutely nothing and offer positively zero to society.

For example, the fourth season premiere of Keeping Up With the Kardashians somehow racked up 4.1 million viewers on Sunday night. 4.1 million! More women watched the episode than any in the network's history.

What could possibly prompt an individual to care about the scripted fortunes of Kourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian? We're actually asking. If you tuned in, please tell us why!

Kardashians Poster

Fame could tear these sisters apart... or make them millions of dollars for using large boobs, a pregnancy and a fake marriage to draw viewers in to their TV show.

Erin Andrews Wants Maximum Sentence For Stalker

Erin Andrews faced her stalker in court for the first time yesterday.

Not surprisingly, she pleaded with a judge to show no mercy to peephole perv Michael David Barrett, who she broke into tears when she first saw.

Minutes later, the Illinois insurance executive stood before a federal judge and admitted he hunted Andrews down at hotels in three different cities.

While he never encountered her, Barrett said he filmed videos of Erin Andrews nude through her hotel rooms' peepholes and posting them online.

"I am a victim of this sexual predator. I would like to see him immediately put in prison for as long as possible," the ESPN reporter told the court.

"I have nightmares. I walk in crowds and I see him in my peripheral vision. When I'm alone in my house, I have fears he's going to come in and hurt me."

Erin Andrews and Attorney

Erin Andrews with her attorney outside the courtroom yesterday.

"I don't know [Michael David Barrett]. I've never met him. I don't know why he chose me. But I hope he never sees the light of day again."

The stalker faces up to five years in prison when he's sentenced on February 22. His plea agreement recommends about two years.

Andrews wants the maximum.

"My career has been ripped apart, something I've worked very hard for," she told Judge Manuel Real. "I am subjected to crude comments, suggestions that I have partnered in this crime. I walk into stadiums, and fans say obscene things to me."

Barrett avoided eye contact with Andrews and pleaded guilty to one felony count of stalking. Hopefully Erin gets what she (and society) wants.

Ashley Greene Offers Prom Advice

Twilight Saga star Ashley Greene has a lot of knowledge to pass along to young people. For instance:

Never take nude photos of yourself with a digital camera.

The actress also covers the latest issue of TeenPROM and offers advice to all high schoolers about to embark on this rite of passage. Pay close attention, kids...

On planning for the event: “Definitely plan ahead because the actual day can be kind of stressful. Planning everything out helps a lot. When picking out your dress, make sure you’re really comfortable in it because you are going to be dancing around, moving around, sitting, eating and all of that stuff.”

On comfort: “Be yourself and don’t overdo it. People have a lot of anticipation for an event like prom and end up overdoing it or wearing too much makeup. Really make sure you are comfortable because then you’ll feel beautiful, instead of going overboard and asking yourself, ‘Oh my gosh, what did I do?’”

On putting out: "Do it, ladies! It will make your man happy."

Okay. We made the last quote up.

Teen Prom Cover

Ashley also takes part in DonateMyDress.org, a charity whose name explains its mission. It's really the most important tip she can give anyone: always help those less fortunate than yourself.

Click on the photos below for more shots of Green...

Pretty AshMagazine Photo

Whitney Port Speaks on Whitney Eve Fashion Line

Whitney Eve, a new fashion line from Whitney Port of The City fame, hits boutiques January 30 and features everything from sharply tailored blazers and breezy rainbow-hued blouses to glittery cocktail dresses with sky-high hemlines.

Here's what Whitney told Women's Wear Daily about her line ...

WWD: How does New York differ from L.A. in terms of fashion?

Whitney Port: I think New York fashion is a lot more sophisticated, more forward-thinking. People are more willing to take chances here. People take more pride in clothing they wear and obviously they have to dress for the elements.

WWD: Do you ever see yourself venturing into accessories?

Whitney Port: I would it but I don't know how talented I'd be.

Whitney Eve PhotoWhitney Eve Pic

Whitney Eve with Love: Port is ready for her big break.

WWD: You're at People's Revolution five days a week, as we see on The City. How do you have time to work on your own fashion line?

Whitney Port: Actually, I'm in and out of there. I have a design space in there and then I also have my apartment. Kelly [Cutrone] told me, 'This is your passion project, so you do whatever you have to do to get this done'. This is my first priority.

WWD: Other Hills veterans haven't had as much fashion success as they'd hoped. Heidi Montag's line closed quickly after and Lauren Conrad decided to bring hers to Kohl's after not weathering well in the high-end market. Does that concern you?

Whitney Port: I put myself in a different sort of realm as them. Obviously, it's scary. I think it's really hard to break out right now since the fashion industry is struggling. I mean, people don't want to spend their money on clothes right now.

You're always worried about people not understanding your point of view, not being able to get it. But I think my biggest competition is myself.

Teresa Giudice Vomits at Sight of Bethenny Frankel Naked

The thought of Tara Reid nude in Playboy makes us sick.

Apparently, Teresa Giudice can relate. The Real Housewife of New Jersey responded to Bethenny Frankel's naked PETA ad yesterday and Tweeted:

"To quote Bethenny: 'I just threw up a little in my mouth.'"

Giudice - whose feud with Frankel stems from a September interview the latter gave in which she referred to Teresa as her "least favorite housewife" because she's "whiny and unintelligent" - added that Bethenny is a liar.

Teresa Giudice PicBethenny Frankel Nude

The reality TV bragged this week that she was "already pregnant" when the photo was taken and was "pleased" with how it turned out "because it doesn't look like there's been any airbrushing."

"Help me understand this," Giudice wrote. "Bethenny is happy with her naked pic because she was 'already pregnant' at the time. She says she's now three months along, but she did the shot in August. Even if she's four months pregnant now, she would've been, like, one hour pregnant in the pic.

"Someone tell Bethenny that sperm does not make you look fat, and I'm not buying the airbrushing thing in any case."

The claws, and buttocks, are out in full force!

Holly Sampson Denies Mistress Status, Plans Porn Spoof of One-Night Stand with Tiger Woods

Holly Sampson wants to set the record straight:

  • She once nailed Tiger Woods, sure.
  • But since it was just that one time, and it was only his bachelor party, so he wasn't married at the time, and that doesn't make her a mistress!

That's the porn star's story, anyway. There are those pesky reports of her being a prostitute and Woods using her escort service, but what can you do.

"I'm not his mistress," she said. "I've never been his mistress."

"I just don't believe in sleeping with married men. If I had the opportunity to sleep with Tiger while he was married I would never have done that."

Mistress or not, Holly tells Extra she's currently in talks with Vivid Entertainment to star in a porn film based on her one-night stand with Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods PhotographHolly Sampson Photo

Get ready to see Tiger Woods as you've never seen him!

"There are things that are in the works," Sampson said. "Honestly, parodies are hilarious. I love that stuff. I know a lot of people that love that stuff."

Vivid Entertainment cofounder Steve Hirsch, however, hopes the flick will be a more accurate portrayal of Tiger Woods' sexy fling with Holly Sampson.

"We have shown Holly a script we're working on that would sort of detail her time with the world's #1 golfer. "We're thinking more like a docudrama."

"We want her to reenact events exactly as they happened."

Wow. One of Tiger Woods' mistresses - er, sorry, one-night stands - filmed as a XXX faux-documentary. Now that would be an erotic twist we didn't see coming.

Some proposed titles:

  • Tiger's Wood
  • The 19th Hole
  • Nine (Inch) Iron
  • The Ryder (D) Cup
  • Tiger Woods' Bachelor Party
  • I Banged the World's #1 Golfer and All I Got Was a Lousy Interview on Extra and a Few Poorly-Written Articles on Celebrity Gossip Websites

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal Break Up

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are no longer together.

We know you're sad. Please, hold a vigil tonight in your area.

The two end things two weeks ago, even as they insisted they hadn't. "They needed time to figure it out and they were on different coasts," a source says.

"When they were finally together, they talked things out and decided they're not going to be together anymore. There are no other people involved."

"The relationship just ended, as is often the case. It just fizzled out. But they also wanted to be careful and private about it because of Reese's kids."

Reese and Jake Picture

FAREWELL, GYLLENSPOON: Jake and Reese had a good run.

The new never talked about their romance. Earlier this month, Gyllenhaal made headline news when he used the g-word while promoting Brothers.

"I've learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things," the actor said.

"Obviously I exist in my girlfriend's world and my sister's world in a different way, but it's opened my heart and I want to be grown up as a result of it."

For now, though, it's a return to bachelorhood for ol' Jake.

Kendra Wilkinson Shows Off, Profits From Hank Baskett IV

During her time with Hugh Hefner, Kendra Wilkinson learned how to use her vagina; change diapers; and make headlines.

Now, in her marriage to Hank Baskett, the former Girl Next Door has mastered all three skills.

She squeezed out her first kid last week, giving birth to Hank Baskett IV on December 11. Mere days later, from her hospital room, Kendra spoke to OK! Weekly about the process of child bearing.

"I was induced early in the morning; then it was wait, wait, wait. I was experiencing contractions throughout the day, and I was anxious. I kept checking the monitor every second, like 'Is it happening yet?'" she said.

Once the tyke was born, Wilkinson said: "I was just in heaven."

Makes sense. She likely already had a deal in place for cashing in on the birth via the cover story below.

Kendra and Son

Fellow E! star Kourtney Kardashian also gave birth for the first time this week. There's no doubt she and her valuable asset son will soon be featured on a magazine cover.

The dueling children got us to wondering: Which of these newborns is worse off - Mason Dash Disick or Hank Baskett IV?

Judge to Lindsay Lohan: Get it Together!

Lindsay Lohan may be "in compliance" with the terms of her DUI probation, but a judge ordered the star to step it up with her alcohol education classes.

"I am going to order [that] this has to be done. It’s been long enough," Judge Marsha Revel declared at L.A. Superior Court in Beverly Hills on Tuesday.

The train wreck must now start "attending every single week" in order to fulfill the more than six months of program time necessary by July 15, 2010.

"This has to be the top priority whether she has a job somewhere else or something else comes up," Revel said. "This has to be done once a week."

Outta Control LiLo

Lindsay Lohan needs more AA meetings. And food. Holy crap, girl, you are looking pretty gaunt these days. Yech. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

The judge reiterated that Lindsay Lohan's other projects - whatever the hell those are - should not take precedence over her alcohol education program.

"Right now, the other things will take second place and this will take first place," Revel declared, setting a new Lohan progress hearing for February 18.

Guess those topless photos in random magazines will have to come second. As will updating her family's website with the latest old clothes she's selling.

Proving she's not entirely useless, Lindsay Lohan recently spent a week in India, making a documentary on human trafficking of women and children with BBC.

Noah Cyrus Smacks That, All On the Floor

Sorry, Miley Cyrus supporters. But you can no longer wonder why your role model was named the Worst Celebrity Influence of 2009.

After all, she's apparently been showing little sister Noah Cyrus just what she and Liam Hemsworth do in the bedroom.

Backstage at a concert this week, Miley and a few dancers whooped and hollered in encouragement as the nine-year old danced to Akon's "Smack That" and sung lyrics that include:

Smack that, all on the floor
Smack that, give me some more
Smack that, 'til you get sore
Smack that, oh ooh

Watch below, as Noah possibly gets bent over, looks back and sees her older sister cheering on her inappropriate antics:

Remember Noah's Halloween outfit, too? The Cyrus family has this tyke primed to pose for Playboy and/or sleep with Tiger Woods as soon as she turns 18.

Shame on them.

Movers Arrive as Elin Woods Prepares to Leave Tiger

With each passing day, it's looking like less of a question of whether Elin Nordegren Woods will leave cheating husband Tiger and more a matter of when.

Moving crews yesterday descended on the family's Florida mansion, where Tiger Woods' furious wife has been living since his sexual escapades blew up.

"She's making plans to move out and take the kids," a New York Post source said. She's planning to go somewhere warm and Tiger-free for Christmas."

As for why the scorned spouse, who's already been seen without her wedding ring, stuck around this long? "Their son had the flu, but he's now recovered."

Workers pulled up to the Windermere, Fla., estate in a truck with ladders, buckets and rope, and began carting out items such as carefully wrapped art.

Elin Nordegren spent about 10 minutes instructing movers before driving off in her red Buick SUV with daughter Sam, 2, and son Charlie, 10 months.

Woods Family Photo!

Tiger and soon-to-be-ex-wife Elin Woods with kids Sam and Charlie.

Adding to Elin's stress - and giving her even more reason to divorce Tiger - might be a new claim by several Tiger Woods mistresses that he paid them.

Not just for sex, although he has been accused of that too. Reports say Tiger shelled out thousands to keep them quiet about any steamy sexual antics.

The billionaire golfer would typically wire his stable of women $5,000 to $10,000 apiece each month, although one may have landed up to $20,000.

"The money comes via a wire transfer," one of the alleged ex-mistresses said. "There's no contract about it. There's no discussion about what it's for."

We all know what it's for, though: Shutting up. Or liposuction.

Tiger Woods is also said to have contacted some of his mistresses after the epic fight with his wife over Thanksgiving weekend exposed his secret life.

"Elin took his cellphone away [after the fight], so he had to call [me] from his land line at home," one said. "He hasn't called in at least a week, though."

THG Caption Contest Winner For December 15

Yesterday, readers were given the challenge of writing the best caption for this classic picture of Jon Gosselin gesturing and saying ... well, that was up to you.

Your THG Caption Contest winner for this pic: shellga.

Congratulations on a job well done! The winning entry appears below the photo, and you can click here to read the full list of submissions sent in for it.

Thanks to everyone for playing! Good luck next time!

He Likes

STORK? WHAT STORK? DID SOMEONE SAY STORK??? SH...TT!!!!

Jake Pavelka Believes in The Bachelor Process

Jake Pavelka was billed as Mr. Perfect last season on The Bachelorette.

Too perfect, in fact, for Jillian Harris, who found no spark with Jake despite the hunky pilot's good looks, sweet demeanor and readiness to settle down.

Now, as the newly-minted star of The Bachelor, Jake is buckled up and will be calling the shots on the 14th installment of ABC's reality dating bonanza.

Below, he gets ready for takeoff in a new Q&A with the N.Y. Post ...

Q: You said you “had your heart broken” by Jillian on The Bachelorette. Was it weird to watch after you finished taping? How do you feel about her now?

Jake Pavelka: When I left the show, I was really very disappointed; I thought there was really a connection there. We spoke the same love language.

I felt like I had been dumped out of a real serious relationship. It was definitely tough watching Jillian on TV. I handed her my heart; it didn’t work out.

The Bachelor (Jake)

Q: You’ve said you "believe in the process" of meeting someone on The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. But a lot of the couples from the show break up.

Jake Pavelka: I don’t understand why more haven’t worked out. They make it possible to completely ignore the camera. They don’t put you in weird situations. They've never said “Can you retake this?” or “Can you say this?” Everything was realistic.

EDITOR'S NOTE: What a liar.

Q: Did you know right away who your favorites would be?

Jake Pavelka: I heard that I’d probably know my final four would be as they were getting out of the limos [on the season premiere episode]. But to be honest, I had absolutely no idea for several episodes who the final four would be.

Q: If you could send Jillian a message now, what would you say?

Jake Pavelka: "Congratulations, that’s unbelievable about your engagement [to Ed Swiderski]. I'm a huge fan. Maybe in the future we can be friends.”

Taylor Swift is Really Intriguing, Awesome

People magazine has recognized Taylor Swift with her second-biggest honor of the week.

First, THG editors named the superstar the seventh most important celebrity of 2009.

Now, the aforementioned publication has placed Swift on the cover of its special year-end issue, dubbing her one of the 25 most fascinating individuals of the past 12 months. Replied Taylor, when asked about her life these days?

"It feels like this ongoing dream."

So Intriguing

It's pretty much impossible to dislike Swift, considering she sounds more mature and more grounded the more successful she becomes.

"You can stay the same person, even if everything around you changes," she tells the magazine. "I would like to think everybody out there isn't just waiting for me to trip and fall and stumble out of a club drunk."

Also honored by People in the issue: Kate Gosselin, Sandra Bullock, Jacyee Duggard and Robert Pattinson. It's an eclectic group. But, hey, it's been an eclectic year!

Angelina Jolie Suicide Attempt Alleged By Tabloid

Like, OMG. Angelina Jolie was apparently thisclose to ending it all before Brad Pitt heroically saved her from a rash suicide attempt, a certain tabloid reports.

While we can't avoid giving the National Enquirer its due - they blew the lid off Isaiah Washington f-word gate, John Edwards' love child with Rielle Hunter and Tiger Woods' affair with Rachel Uchitel - we're not buying this for a second.

Whether you believe it or not is up to you, but the gossip rag reports that after recently falling into a deep depression, Angelina Jolie attempted suicide!

Fortunately, life partner Brad Pitt sprung into action to make sure the mother of his 147 children wasn't Taking Lives - wow, she walked into that one.

The sultry brunette beauty confessed to Brad that she was afraid her suicidal tendencies would return after learning he had made plans to move out.

That would seriously drive us to end it all too.

Angelina Jolie Suicide!

BRANGELINA BEDLAM! Phew, Brad saved Angie in the nick of time.

Not that this actually took place, mind you, but we're guessing when the Enquirer editors made it up, Jennifer Aniston somehow factored into the mix.

Fortunately (and laughably) Pitt assured her the separation was temporary, and their love would survive the test. This is Oscar-worthy material here.

"Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic," a friend divulged.

"She told him, 'When you're not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that's when I tried to kill myself.'

"Angelina said, 'I feel lost without you. I'm being abandoned.'" Thankfully, though, Angelina Jolie is still among the living as of right now. Good job Brad!

Nice Brad reassured high-strung Angelina he wasn't leaving for good, even if they're apart, saying "I'll always be there for you and the kids, I promise.'"

More on her bitter showdown with Jen next week, we're sure, thanks to tabloids have an In Case of Slow Gossip Week, Create Brangelina Gossip policy.

Courtney Love Bashes Frances Bean Cobain, Blames Kurt's Mom For His Death on Facebook

Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of the late Kurt Cobain, is now under the guardianship of the rock legend's mom and sister after her mom lost custody.

In turn, Frances Bean has incurred Courtney Love's Facebook wrath.

No reason was given for the guardianship change or her loss of custody, as the Cobains say it's a private matter. But Love recently ranted on Facebook:

"I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this $h!t has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and even worse she's lying to herself."

"My daughter is not always honest."

Love says Frances Bean Cobain isn't as rich as she thinks and is "clearly deluded" if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a "small house in L.A."

Frances Bean Cobain, Courtney Love

Frances Bean Cobain and her estranged, insane mother Courtney Love.

Says Frances' 45-year-old crazy mom, "I'd love to see how that works ... She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has."

"You could've asked for emancipation..." Love cyber-scolds her daughter. "You realize this will put you in juvenile family circus three times in your life?"

Courtney says Frances has "bad people around her and wants it both ways." She then proceeded to call out several of Kurt Cobain's family members and even tells her daughter that her beloved paternal grandmother "killed your father."

Wow. That's even worse than accusing Jamie Spears of molesting Britney.

Signing off, Love does say, "I love you and always will unconditionally."

A court hearing on the matter has been scheduled for February 10.

Prosecutors Say Robert Halderman Feared Getting Whacked By David Letterman After Shakedown

Before Tiger Woods took his crown, David Letterman was the king of extramarital sex scandals this year. The Late Show host's involved an extortion plot.

Prosecutors in the case released transcripts of conversations clandestinely recorded of Robert "Joe" Halderman, who allegedly blackmailed Letterman.

"The defendant's threat was simple: Unless Mr. Letterman paid $2 million, defendant Halderman would make public information about a purported sexual relationship between Mr. Letterman and his assistant," said the feds in court papers.

Why $2 million?

"Because that amount would enable him to visit his son [in California] without needing to demand more money from Mr. Letterman in the future."

That's one expensive plane ticket.

According to excerpts, Halderman's intent was "crystal clear" in that was going to claim the negotiations were a business transaction for a screenplay.

Robert Halderman PictureLate Show Host

Robert "Joe" Halderman stands accused of trying to extort David Letterman.

He would use that as legal cover to shake down Letterman, who slept with ex-assistant Stephanie Birkitt, who was living with Halderman at the time.

Prosecutors rejected Halderman's screenplay story, citing remarks he made about storing "copies of the dirt he had" on David Letterman just in case.

"The only way to be sure that I never talk to anybody is for somebody to kill me. Well, you know, I don't want that to happen," Halderman said.

What the hell does he think this is, The Departed?

He apparently thought so: "I'm not sure how crazy this guy is, or um, how dangerous he might be," Halderman said, per court papers. "Should I be fired, mysteriously ... if my house burns down ... any number of things."

"I have no idea who or what he is or is capable of."

A hearing in the case is set for January 19.

The Runaways Promo Pic: Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are both moving on.

Not from each other, don't worry Robsten fans!

But each actor has expanded his/her resume beyond the Twilight Saga, as Pattinson is set to star in Remember Me, while Stewart takes on the iconic role of rocker Joan Jett in The Runaways.

The upcoming biopic focuses on the 1970s female rock group by that name, specifically Jett and lead vocalist/keyboardist Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning). Both young actresses are pictured on the first promotional poster for the movie. See below:

The Runaways Promo Pic

Stewart, Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and company are far from finished with the Twilight franchise, of course.

Eclipse arrives in theaters on June 30 - and rumors state that Breaking Dawn might be divided up into two movies. Hooray!

Rihanna Beats Chris Brown

Rihanna has beaten Chris Brown pretty badly ... in terms of first-week album sales for their newly-released efforts. Not the way Chris ... well, you know.

Brown's new album Graffiti debuted at No. 7 on the Billboard charts, selling 102,000 copies (Susan Boyle's I Dreamed a Dream sold 582,000 at No. 1).

That's quite a bit less than his ex, Rihanna, sold when Rated R debuted last month, entering the charts at No. 3 with sales of 181,000 in its first week.

Chris' sales didn't knock any socks off, but could've been worse.

Imagine if Walmart actually refused to sell Brown's CD - as "MechanicalDummy" (emphasis on Dummy) himself erroneously ranted on Twitter Monday.

Or imagine if he hadn't beaten the crap out of Rihanna.

Chris Brown Graffiti Cover

Still, 102,000 isn't too bad. It's 20 percent of the way to gold certification in one week, and after the way his year began, those sales look pretty solid.

He might wanna check his facts before Tweeting, though.

Monday, the "Changed Man" threw an online hissy fit over a perceived slight by Walmart. After visiting a Connecticut store that didn't have his album, Chris flipped out over the (incorrect) assumption that the retail giant banned him altogether.

"I'm tired of this s--t," he wrote on his now defunct account. "Major stores r blackballing my CD. Not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers."

Graffiti is, by all accounts, fully stocked by the Wal, however. Either Chris just didn't see it or that particular store just hadn't put it out yet.

Either way, don't quit anger management classes yet, C-dog.

AnnaLynne McCord Shows Off Cleaveage for Cosmo

On season two of 90210, the show has clearly made an effort to shove Shenae Grimes' Annie into the background.

As Naomi, AnnaLynne McCord has emerged as the series star. There are multiple reasons for this switch, not the least of which being it's difficult to see Grimes when she turns sideways and the producers are afraid a strong gust of wind might blow her out of the scene at any time.

In other words: she's really thin.

But, in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, McCord shows off another reason for her promotion on the series. Well, two other reasons...

So Much Cleavage

Of course, McCord could also benefit from a burger or two dozen.

But she looks rather cute in this Cosmo spread. Click on the pics below for larger photos of the burgeoning star:

Stephen Colbert Raps, Is in Empire State of Mind

Move over, Jay-Z.

The hip hop mogul, whose "Empire State of Mind" is one the most popular songs of 2009, might need to find a new line of work.

After all, Alicia Keys has evidently found a new duet partner on the hit single.

On last night's installment of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert grabbed a mic (and a hoodie) and rapped his own verse of the song, offering a shout-out to NYC's suburbs that included lines such as "My shorties are all private school educated" and:

I love New York/King of all the cities/Lived up by the Guggenheim/Til i got some kiddies...

Carrie Underwood Would Like a Family Someday

She's the queen of country, but Carrie Underwood would to settle down and a family someday. This is a modest life goal, but a timeless, wonderful one.

It's not really news, but 1. It gives us a chance to stare at her new Self magazine cover, and 2. Not every celebrity news article must be a scandal!

In January's Self, the country star gets specific about her ideal family size: "Someday I'd like to start a family. Not a big one, but not a small one."

The middle ground between "big" and "small"? "Two kids is good," the Oklahoman explains. "Three is probably fine. Four?"

"Somebody's getting something done, because we ain't having five!"

You got that, Mike Fisher?

Carrie in Self

Don't even THINK of knocking Carrie Underwood up more than 3-4 times!

The singer has been dating the Canadian hockey player for just over a year. Underwood may not be a pro athlete, but she tries to stay in killer shape herself.

"I have Exercise TV on cable," she says. "Jillian Michael's videos kick your butt. That and If I'm ticked off, I get a punching bag and beat the crap out of it."

She does check out Carrie Underwood photos in magazines, too.

"I love it when I feel good about myself," she admits. "I'll look at a photo and think, 'My arms look great!' - and then I go work out on my arms."

"Once you're enjoying things about your body, you realize how much you want to keep them that way or make them that much better."

Jaime Faith Edmondson Nude in Playboy: Coming Soon!

From reality TV to raunchy must-see.

Jaime Faith Edmondson, who finished second on the 14th season of The Amazing Race, has been selected as the January 2010 Playmate of the Month.

She gives men a reason to purchase the upcoming edition of the magazine, as a scary Tara Reid cover clearly isn't enough.

Jaime Faith Edmondson Pic

While Edmondson possesses the kind of beauty typically reserved for centerfolds, she also possesses a unique background: she's a former police offer and holds a degress in criminal justice from Florida Atlantic University.

Soon after Jaime and Cara Rosenthal came in second on The Amazing Race, they were approached by Playboy. But Rosenthal turned down the offer because she's in law school, while Edmondson jumped - or stripped, really - at the chance.

"I never saw this coming," she told The New York Daily News. "Here I find myself going to be on newsstands on my 31st birthday... I keep waiting for Ashton to jump out and tell me I'm being punk'd."

Sarah Palin Goes Rogue, Scribbles Out John McCain's Name on Blue Visor

Is Sarah Palin going rogue? You betcha, and with a permanent marker this time! Check out what she just did to a nice John McCain 2008 campaign visor!

The former governor and last year's failed V.P. nominee is on vacation with her son Trig, her daughter Piper and her heterosexual spouse Todd in Hawaii.

Sarah chose to wear a visor from the '08 campaign, and for whatever reason, decided she didn't want to advertise the Republican on top of the ticket.

Check out her vote against John McCain ... scrawled with black ink:

Palin in HawaiiJohn McCain Who?!

Sarah Palin had no other visors around, but did have a marker.

In addition to the odd political non-statement emblazoned on her dome, Palin's t-shirt read "If you don’t love America, then why don’t you get the hell out."

Spoken like a true ambassador.

We apologize for a little good-natured ribbing at Sarah's expense. But even her supporters have to see the humor in (or at least scratch their heads at) this.

Melissa Rycroft Wedding Photos, Details: Revealed!

A year ago, Melissa Rycroft couldn't have been farther off the celebrity gossip radar.

Now, months after being dumped on national TV by Jason Mesnick, the former reality TV star has come full circle: she's happily married and gracing the cover of In Touch Weekly.

Inside the issue, the beautiful new bride gushes about her dream wedding, which took place opposite Tye Strickland in Isla Mujeres, Mexico on December 12.

"I was fine until 'Here Comes the Bride' started," Rycroft said "I think everything hit me at once. My dad started to walk down the aisle, and I just stopped him. I grabbed his arm, and I was like, 'Hold on,' and I started crying. And I saw Tye, and bless his heart, he had these big tears in his eyes, too. It was very emotional."

Wedding Pic Cover

Strickland didn't keep it together much better.

"When I saw her, I just lost my breath — like I was in a football game and had the wind knocked out of me," he said. "I've never felt that way in my whole life, and I just couldn't help it. She was the most gorgeous bride I've ever seen in my life, and it was amazing. It was absolutely perfect."

After everything Melissa went through, we couldn't be more pleased to hear her add:

"My heart was pounding and we were both looking at each other and squeezing each other's hands. We were both so happy."

Recently Married

Chris Henry Badly Injured in Car Crash; Domestic Dispute with Loleini Tonga to Blame?

Chris Henry, a receiver with the NFL's Cincinnati Bengals, was seriously injured after falling out of the back of a pickup truck during a domestic dispute.

Following the incident with his fiancee, Loleini Tonga, Henry was found on a Charlotte road "apparently suffering life-threatening injuries" police say.

Henry was transported to Carolinas Medical Center, the local trauma unit, but spokesman Scott White said he was not listed in hospital records.

Police officers say Henry jumped into the bed of the pickup truck as his unidentified fiance was driving away from an area home. Officials said:

"A domestic situation continued between the operator and Mr. Henry. At some point while driving, Henry came out of the back of the vehicle."

Loleini Tonga Pic

Chris Henry, 26, is badly hurt following an incident with Loleini Tonga.

Henry broke his left forearm in a win against the Baltimore Ravens on November 8, had surgery and was placed on season-ending injured reserve.

Charlotte is home to his Loleini Tonga’s parents.

"We are aware he was in an accident and that his injuries are very serious," spokesman Jack Brennan said of the Henry situation. "We are obviously staying in touch with the situation and are ready to offer whatever assistance we can."

Henry is in the last year of his contract with the Bengals, who let him go after his fifth arrest following the 2007 season, but later brought him back.

Tiger Woods and Jessica Simpson: Heavy Flirting, Touchy Feely Action Exposed!

It's been a couple of weeks since Tiger Woods was linked to Rachel Uchitel. And Jamie Grubbs. And Kalika Moquin. And Jamie Jungers, and Mindy Lawton, Cori Rist, Holly Sampson, Joslyn James, Loredana Jolie, Julie Postle and Theresa Rogers.

We've become numb to the ever-growing list of Tiger Woods mistresses at this point. Dude bedded waitesses, we get it. It's not like he was linked to a celebrity.

Or was he?!

According to Star, none other than Jessica Simpson was in "Tiger’s little black book" and days before her split with Tony Romo, she had a "sizzling meeting" with the fallen golf star at the AT&T National Pro-Am golf tournament in Bethesda, Md.

"Tiger liked what he saw and let her know it," a source tells Star, and Jess was fighting with Tony - Tiger's weekend golf partner - so "she gave as good as she got."

Tiger Woods, Jessica Simpson

TOUCHY FEELY: Look at Tiger's hand ... dude's making his move!

We're not sure what that means. Presumably they mean flirting, and not other things "Jessica gave" as good as she got. But it's Tiger Woods. You never know.

Continues the eyewitness:

“Jessica felt Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ She decided she would have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.”

Phone numbers were exchanged. Then emails. Before long, bodily fluids.

Okay, we made that last part up, but would you really be surprised? Didn't think so. We can't wait 'til Jessica moves in for the kill once Elin Woods leaves Tiger.

We know what will happen after that, too. She'll get way too clingy and annoying and he'll dump her, but hey, she can always slum it with Billy Corgan later.