Erin Muller Accuses Michael Lohan of Vagina-Kicking

Erin Muller, who once agreed to marry Michael Lohan for some reason, now wants nothing to do with him. Better late than never on that realization.

Part of the reason? She says he physically abused her at least 12 times over the last two years, including once when he "kicked [her] in the vagina."

Erin, who already has a restraining order against Mike (which he violated and ended up in jail for), filed court documents in Nassau County, N.Y., yesterday, asking the court to drop Michael's recent harassment allegations against her.

In doing so, Erin Muller said Michael Lohan abused her in ...

December 2007: Michael Lohan "slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday." The nerve.

February 2008: Michael "punched Erin in the mouth" because she had a male friend on Facebook. Well, she should really know better, right?

Erin Muller says Michael Lohan is abusive.

March 2008: Michael "whipped a computer cord" at her face but she blocked it with her hand ... causing a laceration. Good reflexes, though, Erin.

May 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the ribs."

May 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain." Okay, this is really not funny and is just depressing.

June 2008: Perhaps worst of all, Michael allegedly "spit in Erin's face and then beat her repeatedly with his fist." Then he "yelled at her to 'stop crying c*nt - other people will see you - and if they see you, I will kill you!'"

This guy needs to get locked up for a long, long time. Maybe Adam Senn really is good for Lindsay ... compared to this maniac, how can he not be?

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A Monkey Urinated on Kim Kardashian

Dear Reggie Bush: Please propose or knock up Kim Kardashian soon.

In the absence of a ring on her finger or a fetus growing inside her, look at what your girlfriend has resorted to for attention.

Kim, who has never met an opportunity to blog about every minute detail in her life, recently wrote on her website that she visited Ashton Kutcher on set. What was noteworthy about this interaction?

"They had this little monkey that the magician, Dynamo, made appear! I thought he was really cute at first, but then he peed on me!! Ashton said the monkey had pooped on him, so I didn't feel too bad, haha," she writes.

We assume Kardashian is laughing about the incident, but she might as well be laughing about the state of her career. Has it really come to animal urination stories for the socialite that once made news by riding Ray J, posing for Playboy and never eating?

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Jessica Szohr Looks Great on Teen Vogue Cover

Gossip Girl star Jessica Szohr appears on the cover of February's Teen Vogue.

The actress is often the target of scorn from Gossip Girl fans. Her character, Vanessa, is the show's least popular, and in real life, she dates Ed Westwick.

Those are two ways to get teenage girls on your bad side in a hurry, but she brushes it off. Although she does admit dating Ed can be awkward at times.

"It can be a little awkward when all of a sudden [you have feelings for] a friend; someone you'd call to talk about a different boyfriend," Jessica says.

"But there wasn't a lot of thinking and talking. It kind of just happened. We had fun together, and we were like, 'All right, let's see where this goes.'"

Ed Westwick is a "really rad guy," the 24-year-old Gossip Girl star adds. "He's awesome, smart and talented and adorable, and we make each other laugh."

They don't have Valentine's Day plans yet - last year they went to Jamaica with Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan - but they'll have fun regardless.

"We go to dinners, have nights by ourselves and fun romantic times in general," she says. "And a lot of times I like just cuddling up on the couch."

Aww. The great Chuck Bass is a softie and a cuddler, who knew?

Click to enlarge more Jessica Szohr pics from Teen Vogue ...

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Charlie Sheen Unleashed, Unhinged: Police Affidavit Details Actor's Alleged Threats

Brooke Mueller 911 call appears to be damaging enough evidence against Charlie Sheen, as the actor awaits a February 8 hearing regarding assault charges against him.

But that's almost nothing compared to an affidavit written by Colorado police officer Rick Magnuson, who was on the Christmas Eve scene at the Sheen's rented Aspen residence. In the document, Magnuson says Sheen held a knife to Mueller's throat and threatened her life.

In disturbing detail, this is how the officer recounts went down at the home:

• When cops arrived, Sheen was in a bedroom and Mueller was in the kitchen.
• Magnuson accompanied Sheen into the basement, where the latter explained his recent marital problems and said his wife "abuses alcohol."
• The argument started at 3:30 a.m. because Mueller grew jealous when Sheen "shared a song for his daughter whom he fathered with another woman." The actor said she threatened to divorce him and take the kids.

• Both sides screamed and slapped, according to Sheen, who admitted to breaking his wife's glasses in front of her. He said he never pushed, hit or used a knife against her.
• Sheen admitted he possessed a four-inch knife that was on the premises. When Magnuson discovered it inside Sheen's bag, the blade was unlocked in the "open" position.
• Mueller confirmed that she and Sheen argued and that she mentioned a divorce. At that, she said Sheen grabbed her by the upper part of her throat while straddling her on the bed, pulled out a knife, held it to her throat and said: "You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I'll kill you... I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace."
• Magnuson observed "red marks on the upper part of the front of her neck" and took Sheen into custody.

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Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart Expecting a Girl

Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Dane's McBaby will be a girl.

The Grey's Anatomy star, who will also be guest starring on Private Practice January 14, and his wife confirmed they were expecting first child in November.

The couple, who tied the knot five years ago, haven't said much publicly about their baby-to-be, but they have expressed desire to start a family in the recent past.

"We've always wanted to be parents," Gayheart said.

"I think that without a doubt, Eric is going to be the most wonderful dad, and hopefully I'll be a good mom too. We're absolutely looking forward to it."

GREAT DANE NEWS: Eric and Rebecca are having a girl!

She is reportedly due in March, and buzz that Dane got Rebecca Gayheart pregnant came at a good time for the couple, after the year they just went through.

They ended the summer with some bad press after the release of that Eric Dane nude tape, which was originally being called a sex tape, albeit without sex.

He was frolicking with Rebecca and Kari Anne Peniche, also nude.

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Kourtney Kardashian, Kute Kid Kover Magazine

This is a proud time for Kourtney Kardashian.

The new mother has chosen the publication that will pay her lots of money for is showing the world her newborn son.

Inside the latest issue of Life & Style, the eldest Kardashian sister describes what it's like to be a mother:

"I feel so lucky. He's such a good baby."

Hmmm... would she feel less lucky if he cried a lot?

As for that controversial middle name, Kourtney says:

"Dash is not for my clothing store, as some people have suggested online. That would be stupid. Dash is short for Kardashian, and it was my father's nickname."

Recent reports suggested that Kourt flipped out at Reggie Bush because he considered proposing to Kim Kardashian around Christmas. Such family news would have overshadowed this cover story.

Meanwhile Scott Disick is not included on the cover shot, he does pose inside the magazine with his son and occasional girlfriend. He even looks sort of happy to be there:

Keep those eyes closed, Mason. We wouldn't wanna look if our parents were Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick, either.

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Damon Feldman: Hailey Glassman Was Framed!

Hailey Glassman's new love interest, boxing promoter Damon Feldman, believes Jon Gosselin set her up after his New York City apartment got trashed.

Glassman, Jon's ex, moved out of the apartment she shared with Jon last week. Her lawyer admits that Hailey removed her belongings at some point.

The apartment was absolutely ransacked, however, something Hailey says she had nothing to do with, and Feldman says she's not even capable of.

“I spoke with Hailey a week ago and she was pretty depressed about the whole situation [with Jon]," Damon said. “In my opinion she was set up."

"She was definitely over the guy and had already made arrangements with delivery trucks to remove her possessions before the incident went down."

“Hailey may act young and foolish at times but she comes from a really good family and I don’t think she’s the type of person to smash up a place."

Damon Feldman and Hailey Glassman. [Photo: Splash News Online]

The Glassman-Gosselin relationship took a bizarre twist the day after Christmas after the reality dad called police and said he found his apartment in tatters.

Items were missing, clothing and other items were slashed, and a note he claimed was from Hailey Glassman was speared to a wooden dresser with a knife.

Gosselin’s attorney, Mark Heller, said unequivocally that that Glassman would be going to jail as a result of the incident, but her lawyer says she's not guilty.

Stephanie Ovadia insists Glassman simply removed her stuff last week and didn't trash anything. The implication is that Jon - or someone - is framing her.

We guess we wouldn't put it past Jon to stage the break-in as a publicity stunt, but if Hailey didn't do it, who else had both the means and the motive here?

Damon Feldman, who was rumored to be involved with her lately, says "things seem to have gotten out of hand but I believe Hailey just wants to move on."

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Kevin Jonas Speaks on "Princess" Wedding, Danielle Deleasa

It's not enough that Kevin Jonas is supremely talented and incredibly attractive.

The singer has to be a major romantic, as well.

As detailed in the latest issue of People, Jonas and Danielle Deleasa got married on December 19. The ceremony was held at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York. Why that location?

"I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle," Kevin told the magazine, while his new wife added: "I couldn't have imagined this."

For a complete Jonas wedding album, pick up this issue of People.

As for other wedding details:

• Deleasa was escorted down the aisle by her father, as the pair walked to the altar with "Bella Notte" (from Lady and the Tramp) playing in the background.
• She wore a Chantilly lace Vera Wang gown.
• Kevin Jonas Sr., an ordained minister, officiated the ceremony; along with Danielle's childhood pastor.
• The couple exchanged Jacob & Co. wedding bands.

Said Kevin of Danielle: "I've never seen a more beautiful bride."

Said THG editors to Kevin: Stop making us look so bad

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Amy Winehouse Treated For "Nervous Exhaustion"

Stop us if you've heard this one before: Amy Winehouse collapsed yesterday.

The cause, as hilariously described by the singer's rep? Nervous exhaustion!

Wino is being treated at home for exhaustion after a chest infection "coupled with the stress of her recent arrest on suspicion of assault" both took their toll.

THG NOTE: Also taking their toll? Massive amounts of hard ass drugs.

A source close to the 26-year-old train wreck said that she is “soldiering on” to get her latest album completed (riiiiiight) despite not feeling well these days.

The star has been told to “keep low profile and fully recuperate” over the festive period. That means keeping Blake Fielder-Civil at least 100 yards away.

Amy Winehouse sure is exhausted a lot. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Amy’s recent arrest - for allegedly attacking a theatre manager at a performance of Cinderella in Milton Keynes on December 19 - has led to her being charged with assault - or in UK terms, "a public order offence and common assault."

She will appear in court to answer to the charges on January 20.

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A Swift Split: Taylor Dumps Taylor!

Taylor Swift had an incredible 2009. But the year will end on a down note for the singer, or at least for fans of her love life.

Sources confirm that Swift has put the brakes on her relationship with Taylor Lautner, as an insider tells Us Weekly "he liked her more than she liked him."

We've been there, T. Laut. We came to the same realization a few years ago about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

While neither Taylor ever went on record with an official acknowledgment of this relationship, both sides hosted Saturday Night Live over the past couple months and referenced the other in a cute manner. They were also spotted frequently together.

However, "it wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends," a source said. "There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived."

This insider claims the relationship pretty much ended when Lautner flew to Nashville for Swift's birthday party on December 13. It was an example of the lengths he often went to for the singer, yet she "didn't travel much to see him," the friend says.

While Swift is still smarting from her 2008 break-up with Joe Jonas, who dumped her in an infamous 27-second phone call, the future looks somewhat bright for these Taylors.

"They plan to stay friends," says the acquaintance.

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THG Caption Contest Winner: December 28

Yesterday, THG readers were given the challenge of writing the best caption for the celebrity pic below. Your Caption Contest winner is MissEnya.

While we loved the references to Lindsay and Adam Senn, we had to go with this hilariously straightforward (and likely) the most accurate entry.

Congratulations on a job well done! The winning entry appears below the photo, and you can click here to read the full list of submissions sent in.

Thanks to everyone for playing! Good luck next time!

brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp!

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Source: Robert Halderman Seeking Plea Deal in David Letterman Extortion Case

The guy accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman has offered to plead guilty in exchange for a one-year prison term, according to the New York Post.

Robert Halderman's lawyer, Gerald Shargel, denied knowing anything about an offer, saying: "There have been no plea negotiations. None whatsoever."

He would say that regardless, of course, and it's all a moot point until January, when Cyrus Vance Jr. takes over as Manhattan's new District Attorney.

A one-year term would be a far cry from the 15 he's facing.

Halderman stands accused of trying to shake down Letterman for $2 million by threatening to expose the TV star's series of sexual affairs with staffers.

Letterman admitted as much - and was blatantly honest in his on-air apology to fans, staffers and wife Regina Lasko - even breaking the story himself.

WHAT A RACKET: Halderman is accused of trying to shake down Letterman.

Prosecutors allege that Halderman dropped off a one-page "screenplay treatment" with Letterman's driver September 9. The proposed "story line" revolved around an intern-loving comedian whose sexy antics were about to be outed.

That plot appeared to make direct reference to Letterman's admitted affair with intern Stephanie Birkitt - also Halderman's ex-girlfriend - and others.

But instead of caving, Letterman went to war, contacting police and wiring his lawyer for a series of meet-ups with Halderman, who was later arrested.

He is free on $200,000 bail. Shargel has filed papers demanding dismissal of the charges, arguing that this was nothing but a "business transaction."

Prosecutors aren't buying that, though, saying that Halderman hatched the extortion plot with the screenplay nonsense as his intended cover stlory and admitted on tape that he resorted to the scheme because he needed the money.

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Bristol Palin to Levi Johnston: No Custody For You!

Unlike tens of thousands of Playgirl subscribers who flocked to see pictures of Levi Johnston nude, Bristol Palin wants nothing to do with her baby daddy.

A heated custody battle between Levi and Bristol is heating up after she petitioned for sole custody over their son Tripp, who just turned one yesterday.

The request by Bristol Palin for sole custody was made public after a Superior Court judge ruled last week against keeping the court proceedings closed.

A temporary order authorized the use of pseudonyms while the court handled the request, as no good "could result to the child by an onslaught of media."

Levi Johnston pushed for open court proceedings - there's a shocker!

"I feel more comfortable in a public courtroom which will help everyone stay civil and be on their best behavior," the media whore said in a statement.

RNC-YA! Bristol dumped Levi shortly after the '08 campaign.

Levi is seeking shared custody and denies claims by Bristol Palin that he has been avoiding his parental responsibilities, according to multiple reports.

In addition to sole custody, Bristol requested child support and asked that Johnston's mother, Sherry, not be allowed unsupervised visits with Tripp.

Sherry Johnston was busted for dealing drugs earlier this year.

"The best interests of the child compel the conclusion that Bristol should be awarded 100 percent legal and physical custody of Tripp, with visitation rights in favor of Levi," Bristol's attorney Thomas V. Van Flein said in court papers.

Bristol and Johnston conveniently broke off their fake engagement, concocted to make Sarah Palin look less terrible during the 2008 presidential campaign after the news of Bristol's pregnancy broke, shortly after Tripp was born

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Ted Nugent: Barack Obama Belongs in Jail!

In 2004, Ted Nugent gave an interview in which he said homosexuality was "morally wrong."

A year later, the rocker was sued for child support for failing to pay the woman with whom he had a baby out of wedlock.

This irony and hypocrisy is worth noting in light of the recent comments Nugent made to some magazine called Royal Flush. Speaking to the publication, he said of the President:

"I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. This country should be ashamed. I wanna throw up."

Such a viewpoint elicits two responses from a rational individual:

1. The only "evidence" any critic can cite that Obama is, indeed, a Communist would be the fact that he's daring to reform health care.
2. Even if one were to somehow acknowledge this bizarre supposition, Nugent might wanna look up the First Amendment. The same passage that allows him to utter these words would also allow anyone to hold the views of Communism without legal repercussions.

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The Cost of the Tiger Woods Scandal: $12 Billion!

Copay for doctor's office visit to get checked for STDs? $20. Body shop work on the Escalade? $8,100. New 7-iron? $99. Potential net loss for sponsors? $12 billion.

Entertainment value for celebrity gossip sites? Priceless!

So it goes for the Tiger Woods, who's become a one-man stimulus package for gossip magazines and websites worldwide, but a sinkhole for his own sponsors.

According to a study by two economics professors, Woods' sponsors (those who haven't dumped him) are really feeling the fallout of his recent sex scandal.

Tiger may have cost the companies he endorses as much as $12 billion between the time he wrecked his SUV Thanksgiving night and now, they theorize.

Fittingly, that's about one billion for each of Tiger Woods' women!

A BIG WINNER: Well, for us. For Nike and Gatorade, he's the opposite.

Nike, Gatorade and EA Sports were hit hardest as a result of their carefully worded vows of support for the cheater extraordinaire, losing a total of $6 billion.

Just imagine if Tiger and Rachel Uchitel are really still together, which has been reported more than once in the past week or so. Better unload stock now!

Fortunately, Accenture managed to escape their Woods association with no negative financial effects to their company. Then again, they pulled Tiger's ads.

The question is, now that the shock value of Tiger's mistresses has started to fade a bit, will Woods be able to redeem and redefine his image? If so, how?

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Tony Parker and Eva Longoria: Officially Hollywood's Cutest Couple

Charlie Sheen may have threatened to execute his wife.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are fighting in court over the custody of their son.

In this depressing month of celebrity couples news, it's nice to be reminded that some pairings are still together, adorable and going strong.

THG readers, we present Tony Parker and Eva Longoria!

In a recently-released video, the Spurs point guard and Desperate Housewives actress re-enact - scene for scene, word for word - the classic Grease single "Summer Lovin." It's a must-watch:

Eva and Tony Do Grease

On his official website, Parker says he and his wife shot this rendition as part of a fun challenge. He asks readers to re-create their favorite musical and the best entry will win a trip to San Antonio for a Spurs game.

That's the sort of holiday gesture we can get behind.

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Brooke Mueller Parties the Pain Away

She may have had her life threatened by her husband just a few days ago, but Charlie Sheen can't hold Brooke Mueller down!

(Well, unless he's holding a knife to her throat.)

On the same day that a police affidavit was released, specifically detailing the disturbing allegations against her husband, Mueller headed to the Caribou Club in Aspen, a celebrity hot spot in the ski town.

Said a witness to E! News: "Brooke was low-key. She was talking to friends and walking around the small club, but she stayed until closing time."

Also present at the establishment were stars such as Paris Hilton, Doug Reinhardt and Gerard Butler. But sources say Brooke remained with her friends for the duration of the evening.

"You could barely tell it was her," said an onlooker. "While most clubgoers were dressed up, Brooke was in jeans, a casual green sweater and no makeup."

Sheen, meanwhile, is back in Los Angeles. Fortunately, insiders say he and Mueller's kids were playing in the snow at a local park with a nanny on Monday, unaware of the domestic drama between their parents.

"The boys looked happy and carefree," a local said.

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Joe Francis Crowned Douche of the Decade, Disputes Rape Assertion By Gawker

Joe Francis has been named the Douche of the Decade by a prominent celebrity gossip site. He's cool with that - but not about Gawker calling him a rapist.

The Girls Gone Wild kingpin is vowing to sue the site for $10 million after it referred to him as "a rapist" while crowning him the winner of its recent poll.

Incidentally, Francis received 32 percent of the nearly 9,000 votes cast. We would have probably bet on a different douchebag, but Joe is very deserving.

"You messed with the wrong guy. No one makes up lies about me and gets away with it," an irate, douchey Francis e-mailed Gawker founder Nick Denton.

"I lost a $10 million deal as a direct result of you calling me 'a rapist.' You will be paying me every dime of that back and more! Are you mentally retarded?"

"Do your research first," the sleaze added. "I am coming at you harder than I ever went after anyone. I am going to wipe you off the grid! YOU ARE DONE!"

DOUCHE OF THE DECADE: In the end, there was little competition.

"You, Nick Denton, are truly the douche of the decade. Merry Xmas IDIOT!!!"

And with those words, Joe officially earned his Douche of the Decade crown.

Francis attached a shirtless pic of himself (above), adding, "I sent you an updated picture of how I look ... because you seem to be sexually obsessed with me."

Alright then.

Francis told Page Six that the Gawker line were directly responsible for him losing a $10 million distribution deal, as if that were even remotely possible.

"They used Wikipedia as their source. It's pathetic," said Francis, who has never been formally accused of rape (just tax evasion, woman-beating, etc).

Gawker managing editor Gabriel Snyder did not apologize, and said this in response to Joe's threats: "We wanted to retire the word 'douche' by crowning Joe Francis as its apotheosis, but it looks like he's determined to remain the standard-bearer."

Your move, Joe.

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Celebrity of the Year Finalist #2: Miley Cyrus!

The year is drawing to a close.

Therefore, it's time for the The Hollywood Gossip staff to back on 2009 and name the finalists for our prestigious, 3rd Annual Celebrity of the Year award.

In this section, we pay tribute to the unique celebrities that made this year so memorable for celebrity gossip followers across the nation and world.

These stars have given us their best, their worst, their ridiculous antics and, in the case of today's finalist, a series of age-inappropriate shenanigans.

Last week, our countdown featured the great Jon Gosselin in the #3 spot. Today, it's on to Celebrity of the Year Finalist #2: Miley Cyrus!

This is the second consecutive year Miley has finished one slot away from the top spot in our rankings. Perhaps she ought to alter her patented finger flash, shown above, slightly. Either that, or win some music awards.

Cyrus has actually grown up considerably in 2009. She famously deleted her Twitter account and started a new relationship (with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth) that she's keeping on the down low these days.

Of course, Miley has had her immature moments in the spotlight, too.

She danced like a stripper at the Teen Choice Awards in August; she wore inappropriate attire when meeting the Queen of England; and she yelled encouragement at her nine-year old sister during the latter's rendition of an Akon classic.

Will Miley ever achieve Taylor Swift-like levels of success and respect? We doubt it.

But she's clearly aiming her career in a more adult direction. In 2010, she'll make a cameo in the Sex and the City sequel, while also appearing alongside respected actor Greg Kinnear in The Last Song.

If those films are a hit, and if Cyrus can star in a few more scandals, she might find herself atop our Celebrity of the Year rankings. For now, her fans will have to settle for runner-up status again, which at least includes a photo montage in Miley's honor...

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Jon Gosselin Denies Staging Apartment Break-In

Denying reports that he staged a break-in at his New York apartment, Jon Gosselin was there for about one minute before leaving to report it, he says.

"He is going to be clocked by that surveillance camera going into his building," his loudmouth lawyer, Mark Heller, said, noting that he left immediately.

Sixty seconds after Jon Gosselin went in, “he comes down to talk to management. It’s all on tape. He couldn’t have done that damage in 60 seconds."

His ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, has been questioned by police in connection with the Saturday incident and her parents have also spoken to cops.

Hailey moved out last week of the apartment they shared, and her attorney says she did remove items, including a TV, but that the items were hers.

That doesn't explain the place getting trashed, Jon's clothes getting slashed, the valuables being smashed, or word "cheater" carved into the bed.

WILD THING: Did Hailey Glassman go nuts on Jon Gosselin's apartment?

Some of Jon’s clothing was slashed, a Ming vase was broken and a note bearing the name Hailey Glassman was speared to the dresser with a knife.

Hailey’s lawyer says she had nothing to do with it, but Heller insists she did, and "the forensics evidence will back up" that she's a knife-wielding maniac.

Driving home his point, he said: She (Hailey) is looking at felony charges in my opinion ... and if she is convicted she is definitely doing jail time."

“I mean taking a butcher knife and cutting expensive items, breaking a family heirloom ... give me a break. I don’t know how you can cut her slack."

Maybe not, but by the lack of charges being pressed against Hailey, the legal system is giving her the benefit of the doubt, at least for the time being.

You do have to wonder, though. If Jon didn't stage the vandalism, did someone else trash his place and attempt to frame her? Who else could get in?

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Report: Tiger Woods Had Plastic Surgery After Elin Smashed His Face with Golf Club

In perhaps the craziest piece of Tiger Woods gossip to date, a respected sportswriter is claiming that the world's #1 golfer underwent reconstructive surgery.

After having his face broken by a golf club-wielding wife.

Furman Bisher cites, on his personal blog, inside sources telling him Tiger suffered a broken cheekbone and almost had his two front teeth knocked out.

He writes that the injuries are the real reason Woods has gone AWOL since his fight with Elin Woods and subsequent car crash right after Thanksgiving.

Bisher says a trustworthy journalist colleague sent him this information on Tiger, which he posted online to "present the picture in its clearest form."

However, the whole thing smells a bit like a hoax to us.

FORE: Did Elin Woods smash Tiger's cheating face with a 9-iron?

Don't get us wrong, we would not be surprised at all if Elin teed off on Tiger's face after what he pulled. But this scenario would be hard to conceal.

No police reports suggested Tiger's injuries were severe. Had they been, his wife likely wouldn't have been let off the hook after their investigation.

Moreover, for Tiger freaking Woods to undergo surgery without anyone knowing, during a global media firestorm no less, seems dubious at best.

But who knows. Bisher is considered one of the top golf writers, and goes into great detail about the attack and "cover up" that followed Tiger's crash.

His account states that Elin Woods drilled her husband in the face with a 9-iron after confronting him over text messages from Rachel Uchitel."

"At one point Tiger turned away to look at the TV, and as he turned back, Elin hit him on the right side of the face with the head of a 9-iron," he writes.

"When she struck Tiger, she made a huge gash in the right side of his face next to his nose (causing his nose to bruise some), and virtually knocking two of his upper teeth out, and breaking the bone on the upper right side."

MISTRESS #1: Rachel Uchitel's affair with Tiger Woods may or may not have led to a face-breaking, but it definitely shattered the golfer's formerly pristine reputation.

"Tiger ran scared as hell out of the house (which is why he had on no shoes) with Elin swinging the golf club wildly throughout the hallway to the garage."

Wow.

The source claims the first doctor Woods saw knows a cosmetic dentist and plastic surgeon in Phoenix who could make Tiger look as if nothing happened.

The Friday after Tiger was released from the hospital, he didn't return home; he boarded a private plane for Phoenix, where he stayed until last Wednesday.

Lastly, the insider says reports of Tiger and Rachel still hitting it are bogus, and while Elin has retained a divorce attorney, she has not filed any papers.

Whether this is true remains to be seen, but it would help explain why:

1. Tiger successfully vanished, doing so before the scandal broke.
2. The police were unable to interview Tiger following the crash.
3. Why he fled his own house in such a daze that he hit a tree.
4. Why he announced he is taking an indefinite break from golf.

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Denise Richards Threatens to Expose EVERYTHING About Charlie Sheen

The most astounding aspect of the recent Charlie Sheen allegations? It isn't that the actor may have held a knife to Brooke Mueller's throat and threatened to have her professionally killed.

Instead, it's the fact that Denise Richards now seems like the sane one in her former marriage to Sheen.

Richards and Sheen have two daughters together (Sam and Lola; you may have recognize them from the countless paparazzi photos Richards posed the kids for, and/or from her nauseating E! reality series) and got messily divorced in 2007.

Therefore, if there's one woman that can relate to the troubles Mueller has gone through with Sheen, it's this self-serving, talentless actress.

Seemingly in response to the scandal surrounding her ex, Richards Tweeted today:

It's hard not to wonder what else the Q-list celebrity could spill. She's already said Sheen exposes his private parts to minors over the Internet and beats on dogs.

But it looks like Denise Richards has found a way to sneak back into the celebrity gossip spotlight. Damn you, Charlie Sheen, for creating this opportunity!

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Jersey Shore Crew Pretends to Act Classy

Ed Hardy t-shirts, diamond earrings and too much hair products have become the signature look of Jon Gosselin the hit MTV reality show Jersey Shore.

"My personal style is fresh to death," says Paul "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio. "You know the produce section, like where the food is fresh? That's my style."

That's one of the lamest Jersey Shore quotes we've ever heard, and it didn't even take place on the show. Hey, at least the tools are being themselves.

Last week, celebrity gossip magazine Life & Style embared on the difficult task of giving these up-and-coming reality stars a newer, classier image ...

The gang was invited to ditch the shore and step onto the red carpet at one of NYC's most exclusive clubs, Greenhouse, with its dress-your-best policy.

There, they modeled some iconic Hollywood looks of recent years and they pulled it off like the pros - including Kim Kardashian - they were emulating.

"I like to walk into the room and have everyone notice what I'm wearing," says Nicole Polizzi, also known as the overly tanned and ridiculous Snooki.

That's what always happens, Snooks. But not for the reason you think.

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Brittany Murphy Death Certificate Released

Ten days following the shocking death of Brittany Murphy at the age of 32, the Los Angeles County Coroner has released her death certificate.

It solves no mysteries, but is merely a formality. Brittany died December 20 after suffering cardiac arrest in her her home. Beyond that is unclear.

The actress' cause of death is listed on the document as "deferred," as we reported late last week when her autopsy results were first released.

It may take four to six weeks for toxicology, histiological and neurological test results to become available and thus determine the true cause.

We wish the family of Brittany Murphy the best.

Tayebe Pajooh, the 32-year-old actress' cousin, is listed on the certificate as the informant; Pajooh provided the mortuary with information on her late cousin.

One surprise: the death certificate fails to name Murphy's estranged father, Angelo Bertolotti. Instead, the document lists Murphy's father as "Unknown."

Bertolotti divorced Sharon Murphy, Brittany's mom, when Brit was two, and spent time in a prison on drug charges. He did not attend her funeral service.

Sharon, who was with her when she died, inherits Brittany's estate as per the star's will. Her last will was written before she wed Simon Monjack in 2007.

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Michael Lohan Denies Kicking Vagina

Michael Lohan is livid over a new rumor surrounding him.

How he can even keep them all straight, with all the shady things he does and is accused of, we don't know. But this one is particularly offensive to him.

His ex-girlfriend, Erin Muller, alleges in legal documents filed this week that Michael was abusive quite a lot, and once even kicked her in the vagina.

She also detailed several other instances of verbal and physical abuse over a span of a year or so. Dude treated her like garbage 24-7, essentially.

M-Lo says these allegations are "patently untrue."

Mike and Erin in pre-vadge-punting times.

Michael’s lawyer says Erin Muller made everything up after he "terminated" their engagement. Yes, she at one point agreed to marry Michael Lohan.

His legal team also says her story is “a desperate attempt to dismiss the allegations against her.” Michael has been suing his ex for harassment.

Erin first made the claims in documents filed yesterday in New York as she was attempting to get Michael’s harassment suit against her dropped.

She also has an active restraining order out against Michael, which the father of Lindsay Lohan violated and was recently thrown in jail for.

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Kendra Wilkinson Continues to Cash In on Motherhood

This must be some sort of record.

On December 11, Kendra Wilkinson gave birth to her first child, a son named Hank Baskett IV. She then gave an interview to OK! Weekly from her hospital room and wound up on that tabloid's cover within days.

Now, the former Playboy model and old man banger is featured in the publication yet again. Forget the sounds of a baby crying. All Kendra appears to hear when she looks at her child is the sound of a cash register ringing!

The cover story sends an unhealthy message to women: you better lose that pregnancy weight ASAP!

“The doctor said I can’t exercise until after six weeks [due to a C-section], but getting up and down in the middle of the night — feeding him, changing him and soothing him when he’s crying — is my ab workout already," Wilkinson says in the issue.

Also featured: baby Hank's second photo shoot in less than a month. This adorable child is gonna start thinking the paparazzi are his relatives.

The magazine does also promise an exclusive interview with Snooki from Jersey Shore. We can't find anything to criticize with that. She's awesome.

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AnnaLynne McCord: What's Her Best Look?

On 90210, AnnaLynne McCord plays the bitchy character of Naomi.

But the actress seems perfectly nice in real life - or at least we hope that's the case because we're about to get brutally honest with the rising star:

You look terrible in a bun.

There. We said it. Unlike 90210 spoilers, this really should be no secret. After all, the proof is in the pictures. Study McCord's contrasting hairstyles below and let us know if you disagree...

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Doug Reinhardt, Paris Hilton Chill in The Hills

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt dissed The Hills earlier this year.

"The show is, like, so lame and fake," the heiress famously said in May, while denying ever having watched it. "They make up relationships that are not there."

"[Doug] thinks it's lame...he just thought it was cheesy."

Cut to last week, when Hilton and her bad baseball player met up for a holiday dinner with Hills star Brody Jenner and his BFF Frankie Delgado at Nobu.

Paris lets Doug out of his cage for an evening out.

That's a little ironic. "Paris brought a couple of girlfriends with her, who she giggled and chatted with throughout dinner," an eyewitness there tells E! News.

On the PDA front, Doug had it covered: "Even as Doug was busy bonding with his boys, it didn't stop him from being touchy-feely and affectionate with Paris."

No word on whether the newly single Jenner exchanged numbers with any of the girls, but he was probably very psyched to resume his bromance with Doug.

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Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen Might Definitely Get a Divorce, Source Says

According to reports, Charlie Sheen went ballistic and grabbed a knife when Brooke Mueller said she wanted a divorce on Christmas Eve.

Therefore, we can understand why a source close to the couple wishes to remain anonymous when he/she says:

"Brooke and Charlie still love each other, but they are very different. [They] will make their best effort at counseling, [but] divorce is definitely a possibility."

Couldn't anything be considered a definite possibility? Proper grammar aside, this insider confirms to People that the couple isn't giving up on one another just yet.

"For the good of the children they definitely want to see if counseling will help before anything further is decided."

The Two and a Half Men star is currently back in Los Angeles, awaiting a February court date. There's no word yet on how these charges will affect Sheen's status on that awful sitcom.

Mueller, meanwhile, remains in Aspen and was spotted at a popular, local hot spot this week. Witnesses say she and friends "just hung out and listened to music." But has the final note on her marriage already been played?

Time will tell.

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Robert Halderman's New Strategy in Letterman Blackmail Case: The Rachel Uchitel Defense!

Robert Halderman, the alleged "mastermind" of a $2 million extortion plot against David Letterman, is just throwing everything at the legal wall at this point.

The CBS News producer is using the Tiger Woods scandal as a precedent to fight the charges against him, which could land him in jail for years if convicted.

Halderman's lawyer, Gerald Shargel, notes in legal papers that when news of Tiger's infidelity surfaced, mistress Rachel Uchitel reportedly signed a multi-million dollar settlement in return for her silence, with the help of Gloria Allred.

Shargel notes, admiringly, "Their behavior was capitalist, not criminal."

The lawyer says Robert Halderman, who is reportedly seeking a plea deal in the case, merely "offered to sell a very marketable story" of Letterman sleeping with Stephanie Birkitt, and that it was a simple business transaction.

Except for the part where he deliberately tried to shake Letterman down.

It was only a matter of time until these cheating scandals collided.

Shargel says that celebrity misdeeds have "significant fair market value" and they are "routinely suppressed through private business arrangements."

His argument, however thin and stretched, is that Rachel wasn't prosecuted for taking Tiger's money, so why would Halderman for wanting Dave's?

Gloria Allred, for her part, is far from pleased that Halderman's lawyer compared himself to Rachel Uchitel, saying he has no basis to make such claims:

"I have no personal knowledge of his case. He has no personal knowledge and therefore, no basis for remarks about my representation of Ms. Uchitel."

"Mr. Shargel should spend his time representing his client based on facts, rather than comparing it to matters of which he has no personal knowledge."

In other words, Rachel's settlement was confidential. If there even was a settlement, which is widely believed to be true, but it is, by definition, secret.

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2009 Movie Review: Megan Fox Sucks, New Moon Rules

The year in movies came to a positive end Christmas weekend, as theaters across the nation took in the largest box office haul in Hollywood history.

But how will events, actors and films from 2009 be remembered beyond that? According to a newly-released Moviefone.com poll, very well if you were part of New Moon; not as well if your name is Megan Fox.

Below, we list the results of that site's year-end poll, including the percentage of film buffs that voted for 2009's Best Movie, Worst Actress and other categories...

Best Movie: New Moon (41%)

Worst Movie: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (24%)

Funniest Movie: The Hangover (52%)

Worst Female Performance: Megan Fox (Transformers, 31%)

Worst Male Performance: Jack Black (Year One, 22%)

Best Male Performance: George Clooney (Up in the Air, 29%)

Best Female Performance: Sanda Bullock (The Blind Side, 44%)

Sexiest Male Star: Robert Pattinson (46%)

Sexiest Female Star: Megan Fox (45%)

Agree with these results? Disagree? Dying to see Megan Fox nude, just never, ever on the big screen again? Write in. Let us know!

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Celebrity Deaths of 2009: A Tribute

It's one of only two guarantees in life, so it's never too surprising when a star leaves us. But this year was quite unlike most others in terms of celebrity deaths, both in terms of pure volume and in the nature in which some passed away.

From some of the biggest celebrities on the planet to those we barely got to know, and from older stars to those who were taken from us far too soon, 2009 marked a sad farewell to so many memorable names and faces.

Here's a list of notable celebrity deaths of 2009. If we left anyone off, it was just a mistake. Just leave a comment and we'll add them ASAP ...

Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein

Bea Arthur

Billy Mays

Brittany Murphy

Chris Henry

David Carradine

Dominick Dunne

Don Hewitt

Ed McMahon

Erik Gates

Farrah Fawcett

Henry Gibson

Jack Kemp

Jasmine Fiore

Jett Travolta

John Hughes

John Updike

Les Paul

Michael Jackson

Natasha Richardson

Patrick Swayze

Paul Harvey

Robert Novak

Ron Silver

Roy Disney

Ryan Alexander Jenkins

Sahel Kazemi

Soupy Sales

Steve McNair

Ted Kennedy

"The Rev" Sullivan

Walter Cronkite

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Brooke Mueller Mug Shot, Arrest Record Released

It's only natural to wonder why one would marry Charlie Sheen, someone with a rumored history of prostitution visits and online pornography use.

Now that new information about Brooke Mueller has been uncovered, though, her union with the troubled actor makes a bit more sense. The pair has a love of law-breaking in common.

According to Radar Online, Mueller's criminal history can rival that of her husband. Records from the state of Florida reveal that she was arrested twice: first in 1996 for DUI and damage to property; and again in 2001 for cocaine possession, a third-degree felony.

Tests given to Mueller and Sheen on Christmas Eve, the night of his alleged attack on his wife, prove that both parties were drinking heavily that evening.

Don't expect a lot more to come to light regarding that incident for awhile, however. Arnold Mordkin, a Colorado District Attorney who may prosecute Sheen, says the case is "going on the backburner" until its February 8 court date.

"In a domestic violence case, one does need to have the complaining witness to help out, so to speak," he told Us Weekly, responding to the issue of whether Mueller has been uncooperative with police. "But that can be acquired by a subpoena and testimony required."

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Lil Wayne Treats Fans to Farewell Concert

Lil Wayne, a.k.a. Dwayne Carter III, has become a top-selling musician known for clever wordplay, risque lyrics and knocking up lots of different women.

He's also staring at a year behind bars.

The rapper returned to his hometown of New Orleans for a Monday concert on what he's calling his "farewell" tour. As in farewell to the outside world.

"I'm nothing without you," Wayne, who will be sentenced February 9 after a weapons possession conviction, told a wild crowd at New Orleans Arena.

A BIG HOUSE FOR A LIL WAYNE: He'll be sentenced in February.

The charge that will land L-Dubs in prison stemmed from a 2007 traffic stop of his tour bus in New York when authorities said they smelled marijuana, and as they approached, he tossed aside a bag with a loaded .40-caliber handgun.

In two separate cases, he faces trial in March on felony drug possession and weapons charges in Yuma County, Ariz., and recently, he had to postpone a show after police stopped two of his buses in Texas and found marijuana on board.

Not good with those mouths to feed. Guy had three sons in one year. Do the math on that one. Box of Trojans? $14.99. Eighteen years of child support ...

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Source: Angelina Jolie Cheating on Brad Pitt!

Brangelina gossip is the best.

Do these two actually do anything besides star in movies and spend time with their kids? Sounds like a great life, but it's not enough for Star and its ilk.

According to tabloids: Their marriage is an act; Angelina plays mind games; She wants baby #7, Brad moved out; Brad meets with Jennifer Aniston; Angelina had declared war on Jen; She contemplated suicide; She's plotting a revenge pregnancy.

That's only in the last three months, too!

The latest from the venerable writers at Star: Angelina Jolie has been cheating on Brad Pitt, and in turn, "the love is gone" from their hot relationship.

She's apparently "come clean" about other lovers (Johnny Depp, perhaps), and Brad said "I'm outta here" for the 12th time since mid-September.

These supermarket magazine covers never cease to amuse. Look at Brad on a motorcycle! That means "I'm outta here (to pick up something at the store)!"

In other news, Kim Kardashian and Beyonce have weight loss tricks, Brittany Murphy had demons and Charlie Sheen had a Christmas outburst that left his marriage to Brooke Mueller in tatters. Hey, at least one of those items is actually true!

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Report: Jon Gosselin Roughed Up Hailey Glassman

We know former lovers Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman didn't exactly part ways on the best of terms - but was there a physical altercation involved?

The New York Post seems to think so, and you have to wonder if things were worse than imagined, possibly leading to his apartment getting trashed.

A source says Jon slammed Hailey against the wall of their NYC pad after he saw a photo of her kissing Celebrity Boxing promoter Damon Feldman.

There was also a report of Jon pseudo-stalking her that night.

"That picture started the whole thing, a picture of her kissing another man," a source said of Feldman, who hooked up with Hailey a few weeks ago.

Did Jon and Hailey's arguments turn physical?

Earlier, Hailey Glassman "found out he was cheating on her. She told him it was over," the source added. She moved out in the middle of last week.

Glassman filed a harassment complaint with the NYPD, saying "she was pushed against [a] wall" on December 20 and verbally abused by Gosselin.

That allegation is under investigation by the police.

"The document speaks for itself," said Glassman's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia. Jon's lawyer, Mark Heller, responded that "Jon is a lover, not a fighter."

Heller also noted, like a total idiot, that "he's been rumored to steal a kiss here and there, but he's never been accused of landing a sucker punch."

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