The Bachelor Recap: (Rozlyn) Papa Don't Preach!

As usual, The Hollywood Gossip sat through The Bachelor last night and our staff now brings you its official recap, with points awarded and docked as we see fit.

In the season's second episode, as predicted, a "shocking" cheating scandal led to the dismissal of Rozlyn Papa. Here's THG's take on that and so much more ...

Jake claims the InStyle photographer is a friend and set up this date to make it special. We're sure ABC had nothing to do with the cross-promotion. Minus 2.

Five girls on the group date get down and dirty. Christina just gets drunk. Plus 2.

Rozlyn Papa on Jake Pavelka: "He's really cute. I kinda wanna bite him." Plus 3, then another Plus 5 for the censored crotch shot during the InStyle shoot.

Jake says he's literally going to take Ali to Cloud 9. Where's that, exactly? Minus 4.

The chemistry between Jake and Vienna is palpable ... not.

Jake on the Chicago concert with Ali: "I have never had a moment like that with somebody." Except his private Martina McBride concert with Jillian. Plus 6.

ABC actually plays "On the Wings of Love" as Jake flies. Minus 1,000.

Elizabeth refuses to let Jake kiss her as she tries to play hard to get, then reads a love poem she wrote to Jake. We got nothin'. It's that amazing. Plus 13.

Vienna Girardi confesses she eloped at 18. Tenley is also divorced. These are Jake's final two, per The Bachelor spoilers we've read. Even. We're just saying.

Obligatory Minus 14 to every woman in the house. STOP SCREAMING!

Man, Michelle is still insane. Ashley is her crazy understudy. Plus 20.

Last week, Rozlyn got a rose. This week, a ticket home!

Finally, the Rozlyn scandal: Chris Harrison's careful word choice and the lightning-fast editing of camera angles don't make it seem like this is faked at all. Minus 33.

Roz says little about the sex-with-staffer allegation. Probably because it was edited out. Plus 17 for at least calling The Bachelor out on what she calls a big lie now.

Why would the other girls care? Their rival is gone! Were they told lies about Rozlyn that made it seem worse? Minus 9 for the lack of sense and time spent on this.

TOTAL: -996. SEASON: -984. Roses: Ali, Elizabeth, Vienna, Gia, Tenley, Ella, Valishia, Corrie, Jessie, Ashleigh, Michelle, Kathryn. Out: Christina, Ashley, Rozlyn.

Things our wives said:

• [exposing cleavage, mocking girls in the hot tub] "OMG eee hee eee!!"
• "I honestly think that I would kill myself if I was on this show."
• "I just wanna jam my finger down my throat when Jake talks."
• "Who writes Chris' lines?"
• "Zzzzzz."

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