Deus Ex Crackina: Lindsay Lohan Going To Jail

Lindsay Lohan showing remorse for her mistakes

Clearly, God has intervened to stop Lindsay Lohan from running amok and thumbing her nose at all the decent drug fiends who have taken their lumps along with their rock because: LILO IS GOING TO JAIL! FOR 90 DAYS! ZOMG!

This time around, Lindz was charged with violating her probation by missing seven alcohol education classes over 27 weeks and not attending once a week, even though the presiding judge Martha Revel says she “couldn’t have been more clear.” Upon hearing the sentence, Lohan started to cry, saying,

“I am not taking this as a joke. This is my life. It is my career. It is something I have worked for all my life. I did the best I could to balance jobs and showing up. I was working … I was working with children, I wasn’t taking it as a joke … I wanted to come back and make you happy.”

Oh, ha, “taking it seriously” like skipping court dates and partying in France. Of course, this sentence means that I’ll have to scrounge around for someone else to make fun of, but I think I’m up to the challenge. Plus, she probably won’t be there for 90 days. Back in 2007, she didn’t even spend 90 minutes in lock-up for actual drunk driving, which is the charge that put her on the 3-year probation in the first place.

Which, I have to say, is bullshit. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton both got released super-quick for the same reason: the jails are crowded and they were considered non-violent offenders with a low risk of repeat offenses, despite the fact that their drunk/influenced driving could have killed someone. They should have jailed Lindsay back when they finally caught her and not waited until she – what? Betrayed their trust? She’s a CRACKHEAD, you CAN’T TRUST THEM. Thank God Judge Revel seems to have it together, since she also sentenced Lohan to 90 days in rehab after her jail term is up, which gives me hope that she will have to serve all her time. Good thing she’s already a lesbian!

Posted in: Lindsay Lohan