It’s been a long time since I’ve heard anyone try to explain the uber-Christian phenomenon of speaking in tongues.

You see kids, I too grew up in a very strict religious household and sadly, everything she says in Rolling Stone I can totally identify with. I mean everything. This sort of one-step-away-from-snake-handing dogma is so rare these days I haven’t even heard anyone speak of this stuff for years.

You see, once I became old enough to understand I totally removed myself from any sort of organized religion and have stayed that way for most of my adult life. I’d love to go into more detail about how just how extreme right this sort of belief system is..but I think I’ve finally wrapped my head around what I really believe and don’t believe and I don’t want to confuse myself again.

Plus…this reminds me of trying to explain ”tongues” to my friends as a teenager and being too embarrassed to bring anyone to church with me on Sunday. Years of self-therapy I’m tellin’ ya. No wonder Katy Perry has rebelled into a complete boob-a-licous pop tart with a sex-addict fiance.

Speaking in tongues: “Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as ‘Pass the salt.’ It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God. A lot of religions use meditation or chanting. It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God. My dad speaks in tongues and my mom interprets it. That’s their gift.”

On struggling financially: “Sometimes we ate from the same food bank we used to feed our congregation and I was very embarrassed by that.”

Her parents were insane: “I wasn’t ever able to say I was ‘lucky’ because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn’t like that lucky sounded like Lucifer. Devilled eggs were called ‘angelled’ eggs. I wasn’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.”

Oh and just FYI….My grown up theory about speaking in tongues is that people get themselves so excited and worked up that they believe the ’shon-no-nan-da-ahs” coming out of their mouths are real.